My life has been made so much easier by the Internet. I can’t even count the ways.
The Internet is two-headed, though, and unfortunately it’s made my life a shipwreck of sorts, as well—like any addiction. Not that I’m a victim; I let this happen, as powerless as I’ve felt to fight it.
Hi, my name is Steph, and I’m addicted to the Internet.
I’m certain I’ve realized my issue in the past, but never have I noticed it so acutely as this week. I have been procrastinating as though my life depends on it, which is ironic, because—if we are using extremes, and we are since I am an extremist—to a certain extent my life depends on my not procrastinating, especially when it comes to work.
I’m the type of person who needs to get things done, get the obligatory stuff over quickly, before I can do anything else, before I can allow myself free time. Yet I am not getting things done: I am not editing the papers I should have finished long ago (even though their deadline is not for a while). I am not, I realized with a shock last night while brushing my teeth, actively pursuing my dream of setting up Biblio, aside from having bought the domain. I am not asking my boss when indeed I may go to England this year (afraid of what her answer will be), and I am not getting exercise although I’m noticing the repercussions of that. I am not doing anything that might benefit me. Instead, I am vacuously courting the Internet.
That is to say, I can’t get off my stupid laptop. I mindlessly clickclickclick, without even reading half the time, even though I want to stop. I Stumble while my eyes close and my head nods and I feel nauseated from being up too late and from the acknowledgement that I’ve spent the last four hours surfing. Still, I clickclickclick. I obsessively check my blogs, especially Bella’s Bookshelves, every few minutes, not because I want to see who’s reading or how many are reading but because I—because I…well, I’m not sure why. I just want to keep looking at them, at the details, the different pages. I am obsessed with my personal space online. I want to tinker, tweak, post, interact.
Whatever I’m doing online, as I said, it’s keeping me from being productive, from reading and doing other things I enjoy, from spending time with my family and friends (what few I have left, that is), from getting to bed on time, from focusing on moving forward. There are other things I do to procrastinate, say flip through magazines, but surfing is thenumber one culprit.
I admit I am not a tech junkie. I don’t swoon over Blackberries and the like or drool over the latest gadgets. I will never own an e-reader and I don’t even know what my cell phone number is, let alone what the ringer sounds like. But I love computers, their shiny screens, the designs of websites, the look of type, the clarity of excellent photography, the ingenuity of ideas, the overwhelming and unlimited range of information and distraction. Whatever I want, the Internet gives it to me with a simple click or two. Needless to say, it’s exacerbated (at least I still have my vocabulary) my tendency toward instant gratification and created a certain laziness.
The irony of this of course is that I’m whining about this online, but when I say it aloud, no one seems concerned. After all, this isn’t alcohol or drugs or porn. It’s only technology and the Internet, and if that’s your biggest problem, you should be grateful.
Humbug. I want and need my life back. And I honestly don’t know how to take charge. Being online makes me feel somewhat participatory, connected, even if I’m not directly interacting with anyone. When I’m away from the computer I actually feel cut off.
Lately I’ve been lamenting that I know so much. Over the past five years I’ve learned more about how I’m supposed to live my life than I ever accumulated while growing up. And you know what? I regret the information. I wish I didn’t know. Things were much easier when I didn’t know. Ignorance is bliss, they say. In the same way, I kind of wish I didn’t know the Internet existed. Even though things weren’t as accessible or convenient, life was somehow simpler, even easier, before I got a computer, in a funny kind of way. At least I did what I should, and most of all what I valued as important.
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You know what’s funny Steph?
This is how I felt a few months ago, just before I disappeared from my blog.
You’re almost there, I think.
Push on… you’re almost there.
Thank you, Brett.
The thing is, it’s not just blogging. I mean, I hardly even read others’ blogs anymore. It’s more surfing and how quickly five minutes can become several hours!
Still. I’ll try to keep focused…
I should say not *keep* focused, GET focused.
Steph,
Oh, I know. It wasn’t just blogs for me, either. Tech news sites, YouTube, you name it.
Then, something snapped, and something clicked.
It will happen for you too. It is inescapable.
I hope so, though I have to say: I’m excellent at escaping.
Yes, but I’ll chase you down
My addiction is The Food Network and HGTV. I can sit on the couch all weekend with my eyes glazed over. And it’s totally an escape. I do it when I absolutely refuse to do what I have to do.
Last weekend, I had a million drawings to finish in aid of a Nuit Blanche proposal my friend was putting together. The deadline was Monday night. I worked from 7:30 am Sunday morning to 1:30 am Monday morning straight. Aside from one drawing, the rest weren’t actually that bad. Afterwards, I thought – now, if I could only work that hard for myself….
T: I understand, I really do. I know why you do it.
I have to admit this hasn’t worked for me, but maybe you can set deadlines for yourself? Then maybe you’ll work like that for you? Especially if you have a goal to work toward. Keep thinking of where you want to be…
I know, it hasn’t worked for me either in the past, however, maybe because I wasn’t specific enough about what I wanted from the whole thing. I think (now that I have my new notebook!) that I should write about the scope of the project, why I’m doing it, what I propose to get out of it, etc. and then of course, a deadline.
Actually, that sounds like a really good idea. I’m keeping a notebook with Biblio ideas and yesterday I started mapping out what I wanted on the site.
Maybe you should find a business plan form you can download from somewhere and work on filling it out. It will help make your idea much more concrete.
Here is the one I am using.
http://www.entrepreneurship.com/tools/pdf/businessPlanWorkbook.pdf
It seems pretty good.
Brett: Cool, thanks! I was using a ScotiaBank one that they made available online but that was back in 2007. I’d like to start fresh.
Yeah, in other words, you are looking at a lot of porn.
Book porn, yeah!
I know what you mean about the incredible procrastination potential of the internet. It can swallow up your life. But I’ll tell you what works for me. I only allow myself a certain amount of time per day. Its hard to keep yourself accountable, I know, but if you sit down and say “ok, one hour (or 15 mins or half an hour, whatever you think is reasonable) from now I will be done with the internet” you can make it happen. I usually start my internet time half an hour before there is a show I want to watch on tv. That way I have to be done with the internet in the alloted half hour. Because the tv won’t wait for me. Also, having a baby helps, because it dramatically curtails your free time, and you have to choose how you are going to spend your precious two hours of nap time. And if I spend all two hours of it on the internet I’m really mad at myself. I usually use the internet for 15 minutes after baby goes for his nap, and then I can wind down, and then get on to something productive.
Dre: Well since we don’t subscribe to TV and I’m so not about to have a baby, I’ll have to find something else to take me off the internet! It should be looming editing deadlines, you would think. But I seem to be going through this rebellious phase of instant gratification and doing whatever I want. Honestly, I know what you mean about getting mad at yourself: I beat myself up over it all the time. I lament it. I tear my hair and get overwhelmed by everything I consider a flaw in me.
Yet…
same here, before the Internet life was slower
We are overloaded and bombarded these days
That’s for sure, e!