Today has been a strange day. It’s rained since this morning, and the light is bizarre, both pink and dark. It’s felt like evening all day. Kind of mimics my mood, to tell the truth: slightly dark, but with pink in it — meaning, I think, that there is hope…
I can feel something happening today, something building. I don’t know enough to put my finger on it, and I sincerely hope it’s not just a passing mood or, you know, gas.
But I think I’m starting to feel more positive, more resolved, more…something…I’m feeling whatever it is you feel, whatever it’s called, before you feel ready… I’m getting ready to get ready to do something really great.
Your recent comments, filled with genuine caring and encouragement, have really been helping. I am sure of it. A couple of you have said you noticed I have been out of sorts, and you’re definitely right. I’ve been restless, despairing, dissatisfied. Most of all I’ve felt self-doubt, silly, embarrassed, undecided, young, immature, fed up with this state of limbo and in desperate need of something concrete.
Like many people, I’m the type who often does something because I’ve finally got sick of myself and the way things are. But now I’m feeling inspired and motivated to start changing things because I’m sensing purpose and hope. And I’m sure it’s because of your compliments, support, sensitivity, and the fact that you’ve stuck around while I’ve mostly been an empty vessel making much sound. Thank you so much for that, for being here and being so awesome, because I do feel that the majority of my “real-life friends” are not helping. I think this is because they seriously lack ambition. They don’t seem to want more in life! I just don’t understand this complacency! How can they be happy when the most important thing in their lives is what their neighbour is doing to his house next door and the new household items they got?
Well, I have always wanted more in life, and because lately I’ve been feeling that with extremely intense emotion, I’m damn well getting ready to start taking it.
Because of your comments, which mean so much to me — and because last night a good friend (who lives too far away) with whom I used to sing in the concert choir (he’s a conductor now, and has perfect pitch!) told me he believed I had potential and could so easily get back my singing voice — I have started to make my list of things to do. I like to write things down, but when it comes to this sort of thing — self-improvement — I’ve always been afraid to. In case I don’t stick with it, or it’s too hard, or it’s too scarily concrete. I’m afraid if I write it down, I’ll be held to it. (Yes, exactly, it’s the point. But fear is a weird thing.)
I’ve made lots of other lists before, too, even here. Things I have to stop being afraid of, things I need to get rid of in my life. I’m not sure when I realized this, maybe even just now, but I haven’t just been resting on my laurels. I have been doing things. It’s totally time for me to recognize those, pat myself on the back, and say, “Self, nothing is instant. A step is significant. For example, 20 pages of editing in a day is not near your goal, but it’s 20 pages nearer your goal: it’s not ‘I got nothing done today,’ it’s still something. Learn to accept the steps. Learn to acknowledge the little things you do. They’re really not so little. This way you can say to yourself, ‘I can do things. I do accomplish things. I’m not a failure!’ And then start building on those things, until there is no more self-doubt but in its place only confidence.”
So I am starting to figure out what I want for sure. No doubt about these things (there are few things like this for me. I’m never sure. But about these I’m sure). I want singing lessons. That is for certain. I want to travel. I want to get the Woohoo! Report off the ground and making money so that we can give it to charities or use it to do charity work directly. I want people to be reading more good news than bad, thanks to us. I want to go somewhere and do humanitarian work, like install a clean-water thingy. I really want to move out of Belleville. I want to sing on Broadway — AND with Josh Groban. Yes, not just hear him sing, raise my voice and sing, really sing, right beside him (phew. It feels super scary to admit those two out loud).
Looking at the hopeful bright and shining eyes of my 1-year-old, 4-year-old, 13-year-old, 18-year-old, 25-year-old self, how can I now deny me passion and achievement? How can I waste that person’s life, she who desperately yearned, still yearns, for greater things?
So now I just have to map out how I’m going to get to each of these things. The most important part, though, for me, is really, truly wanting them. Being sure. If I have a purpose behind forcing myself or choosing to do something, a reason that is of my own choosing and that has passion behind it, it makes the doing a hell of a lot easier! Suddenly, knowing for certain that I need singing lessons and they cost money has put a bit more oomph behind my editing!
What do you want out of life? More passion, more accomplishment, more thrill, more laughter, more fun, more money, more meaning, more purpose? All of those things? How are you planning to get these things?
You’re going to do this, Steph. You’re going to do it all, and do it well.
As I said, I’ll be sitting in the front row cheering! That will be my first Josh & Steph concert…
-Brett
PS – cute picture!
Woohoo! Thanks, Brett!
And yeah, it is a cute pic, eh? I have no idea how old I was. There’s nothing on the back of the photo. But I think Mom was helping me walk there and it looks as though I have at least two bottom teeth!
What do I want out of life?
7 years ago, when I was laid off, I had a pretty good severance. For three months I drove around Canada and the US, living out of my car and/or motels. Exploring National Parks, hiking, fishing, painting making friends. I drove 32000 km, from Arizona to Alaska
For those three glorious months, I had no committments, no responsibilites, I could do what I want…when I wanted, without having to answer to anyone, with no money worries.
Even back then, I recognized what a special, unique time that was in my life, and that it might be a while before I experience something like that again.
(Of course, after the summer ended, it was back to reality, and back to job searching and interviews…).
But that’s what I’m looking for. That feeling of freedom and sense of exploration…to be able to take off and go where I want. When want. And only work if I WANT to…not because I have to.
Not sure how I’m gonna get there but something tells me that the answer will lie in my writing and cartoons…This is why I’m blogging…i’m building up a lot of material, which I eventually hope to publish or sell…
PS.
Nice Picture (giggle).
Obviously taken in the late 70′s/early 80′s.
You could tell. It was a GREAT year for clothing and hairstyles!
Friar: What you want sounds WONDERFUL. I want that freedom, too. I suspect that most people do, actually, but so few actually believe they can achieve it or simply don’t know how.
I admire you for working toward it, building up your portfolio, going on ideas for your books and such. I could see you having a regular strip, too, you know. It would be so cool to see you in the paper, and then in books!!
And I was born in 1974, so the pic was probably in ’75 or ’76…
thanks for your comment on my post… it’s been awhile since I’ve written that, but a lot of what I said still rings true… there are varying complicated factors woven into the lives of those around me that, in turn, weave into my life and sometimes it’s overwhelming.
I’m trying to find some stability and a little peace of mind, but that’s not always that easy to come by…
I feel like I’m getting there– I guess I’ve begun to see the pink in my sky, too…
Steph,
Just coming back here this morning and loving the answers the other folks have given. I realized of course I hadn’t answered your questions at the end, perhaps because many of the folks reading you would know them. But what do I want – the ocean, green hills, open spaces, no snow, clean air, lots of lakes. That’s what attracted me to New Zealand.
(If I really want snow, I’ll come back to Canada for Christmas! But then again, you can also get snow in NZ if you drive into the mountains in their winter.)
I guess I look at it like this – what is it that you spend all year long pining for (say, assuming you’re in a 9-to-5 job)? What do you save and scrimp for to visit for one or two weeks a year, assuming you’re even lucky enough to be able to afford that?
Whatever that is – once you figure that out – work towards doing that.
Hi Steph – Did I mention Congratulations on your SOB award? Oh, I did? Well, I’m doing it again because someone might have missed it in the other post.
Hey, didja know Steph is an SOB?!?!
Like Friar, I long for freedom and spontaneity. When I was freshly divorced, the feeling of freedom was overwhelmingly affirming. It seemed impossible to get more of it from the vantage of a single mom with two young children. What I found, though, is you get what you long for in increments. When Pete and I married, we set similar goals, and we’re working on becoming self-reliant and independent of the need for his employment.
Michael Martine had a nice post recently where he outlined how it took him over a year to become what others might see as an overnight success. Bob Seger (hey, I’m a Michigan girl – did I mention he played at our prom for $100?) was a one-hit wonder in the late 60′s and then it took him 10 years or so before anyone outside the region paid any attention.
It’s good to have a plan, Pete has always said, in his dorky way. But it absolutely is good to work steadily at a goal. Who wants to be aimless? I believe God listens to what we want, and then gives, but that He also sees what we are and can be. The gift then arrives, sometimes in secret, with those parameters. One gift everyone has been given is potential. More gifts arrive with our action.
@ Icarusmelting: Hey! I’m glad you’re here. I was actually on your blog for a while, reading, and was disappointed you hadn’t blogged for a long time. Will you take it up again?
I really, truly feel I understand what you’re saying and I’m genuinely happy to read that you’re starting to see something different, too. Let’s hope for both of us we can keep it going!
@ Brett: that’s really interesting; I’ve talked to you before about what you want, but once you listed the elements, I was like, hey! Me too! And I don’t think I’ve told you this but for me that place is oddly England. I have no idea why, but all my life, and I’m talking since I was very young, I’ve had this inexplicable pull to England. Incidentally, my sister moved there and raises her family there now. We bought tickets a few years ago, but had to cancel and I’ve never been. There are so many things I want to do there, so many places I want to go, and my sister’s emails compound that desire. Sometimes I seriously feel she’s living my life. It’s so weird: this has been simmering for so long it’s almost as though I’ve been taking it for granted and now you just reminded me with the list of things you want!
@ Betsy: BIG GRIN! Thank you so much!! I actually went to Liz’s site (prompted by Brett) and saw my link there. But I have absolutely no clue what to do next. Unless I get the code for one of the badges, I’m not sure how to paste one in the sidebar. I also left a comment on her site. Assuming you nominated me, you sneaky thing, thank you!! I feel so privileged to have such readers, to be able to do this (blog), and to so unwittingly have acquired such an honour! It’s really wonderful to be recognized, as undeserving as I feel.
When I was freshly divorced, the prospect of that freedom scared the shit out of me. I didn’t stay single for long. Now, however, though happily married, I wonder about it, how I could have used that time to rediscover who I am, not a wife or worker but really who I am. Now I want a different kind of freedom, I guess, the one you and Friar and Brett and we all want, really: financial freedom, the ability to do what we want when we want, how we want, not being tied to working because we have to.
I totally agree with what you said about gifts. And potential is the one thing I can feel driving me. I am certain there is so much more to me than what I currently am.
@Steph
I had another ‘ah-ha’ moment a few years ago. I was on vacation, visiting my Mom at SilverStar BC. The sun was out, we were going up the chairlift, with brilliant white snow and azure sky.
It suddenly hit me: Holy shit…..THIS is what I want to do when I’m retired!
Because when I’m skiing out West….there’s nothing, NOTHING in the whole world I’d rather be doing at that moment.
Last year I was lucky enough to visit for 2 weeks. And it only reinforced that I’d LOVE to do this all winter. Ski every day…for months on end. Like my Mom does. LIke all her senior friends do.
But I’d like to do this sooner or later. And not wait till I’m too old.
So that’s another goal that fits in with my original vision.
PS. 75-76. Hahah. That was the peak of bad 70′s styles. (I was 12 at the time…you don’t WANNA see photos of the Friar).
@Betsy and Steph
I read that Dr. Seuss’ first book was rejected 23 times before it was accepted.
And before he hit it big, Bob Seger used to work at one of those car plants in Detroit. making shitty money. Years later, Chevy used his song “Like a Rock” for their pickup truck commercials…and he made “considerably” more money off the royalties than he did when he worked there.
What goes around, comes around, I always say.
PS. WTF is an SOB? (Congrats, Steph, I supposed this is something good, just that I dont’ know what I’m congratulating you about!)
Actually, Friar, yes I do. I’m very curious!!
As for skiing, I have zero interest in it. I just dislike winter all around. But considering the many trips you’ve been on hiking, I don’t think skiing sounds very unachievable! It’s so cool it runs in your family. Your mom rocks.
I know BC is expensive, though, and I’m sure the skiing there is different from here and Quebec….
We just have to get your books done and out to publishers to get you that extra money to send you on skiing trips you can take Bear on and blog about!
And this is it, the idea of this post, I’m seeing: to get everyone thinking again about what they really want and to reawaken the desire for it so we can feel moved to action. I’m glad you were reminded of the skiing!
PS. How is your knee, speaking of which?
@Friar: whoops, you commented again before mine went up! So what I meant was yes, I do want to see 70s photos of you. Post!!
As for the SOB honour, see the new post.
@Steph
In July, my knee was AWFUL. I could barely walk. But I went ot the chiropractor, and he manipulated it, and within a day, the pain went down tremendously.
So that’s good news…it means all that pain was NOT due to arthritis, it was probably a torn cartilage flap that got inside the knee joint. Which he had jiggled out.
I saw a specialist, he said I can have surgery to trim the cartilage. But if it dosen’t bug me, he suggested maybe I might consider not going under the knife again. (God knows, they’re already removed ENOUGH cartilage from the other operations).
Who knows? (Sometimes these little cartilage problems resolves themselves).
I feel pretty good now…(I went hiking in Lake Placid last month), so I think I’ll pass on the surgery. I think I’m pretty good now..looks like this ski season is a GO!
If you can pass on the surgery and do some other, alternative things if necessary, that would be awesome. My dad had cartilage surgery (arthroscopic) on both knees back in ’86 and he is much worse since. I believe in trying to be as “uninvasive” as possible…
Steph,
And the thing is, I’m even willing to work 9-5 there in exchange for it. So I don’t even necessarily need to be completely free. Now, where we live right now is beautiful, and for some people, perfect – but not for us – and really it all boils down to winter.
I suppose that’s the good thing about the world – something for everyone.
Steph,
I’m with Friar. I haven’t done any 3-month trips, just a 2-week one, but it was really fun. I’m looking forward to doing some e-books about various places, starting with Denver, so I can make money to finance my next trip.
I’m glad you’re planning on singing lessons. Maybe you just got burnt out before, or it was too much too soon. But I’m sure this time it will be great.
Love that picture. My eyes get like that when I’m jacked up on sugar.