In Other Words

I just finished watching a rather disappointing movie called Meet Bill, with Aaron Eckhart. Both C and I like Eckhart; he usually makes acting look effortless, but this film left something to be desired. Aside from the not-so-great acting, I’m mainly talking about the story, which left me wanting much more from it than I got.

In a nutshell, it’s yet another story about a man who finds himself in a mid-life slump, in a life that sucks. He’s overweight, hates his job and his boss, is walked all over, his wife cheats on him, ad nauseum. The thing is, I’m attracted to these kinds of stories because I want the character to find redemption, and when they do I find it inspiring.

At the same time, the whole thing made me want to cry because it’s all too real, isn’t it? I mean, it’s the story of too many people’s lives, or at least they live some variation of it. Which is what makes us empathize and ultimately want more from the story. We want the character to ditch his current situation and find direction. We want to see him or her grab the reigns and take charge. In the end, in this movie, he sort of does, but it’s a very gradual and sometimes frustratingly (for the viewer) backward path getting there.

Yet this is also not unlike most of our lives. We take steps forward and then back all the time. We grab hold of an idea but let go all too soon for fear of failure, success, because of discouragment, or because we discover it’s only a quick fix and not really what we want. I’ve wandered through my life up to now never being certain of what I wanted. I couldn’t decide in high school and I graduated from university after five years and a degree still not knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. I’ve gone from quick fix to quick fix trying to figure that out. I’ve stared in the mirror at bad hair and a less than taut body. I’ve sat on the bed and cried in frustration because “my life sucks and everything is always the same.” This type of thing is all especially hard, I think, for a passionate person.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death, and about wasting my life before death. I don’t want to pass my existence on this planet insignificantly stumbling along without direction, questioning what my purpose is, wondering where the time went and lamenting that it was filled with the same meaningless shite day after day after day, and waiting for some catalyst to change that may never arrive. I don’t want to be forty, sixty, eighty, wishing my life was different.

There are actually few things I would change, however, when I look back on my life and the choices I’ve made. I don’t regret going to university, even though it caused so much debt we were forced to go bankrupt. I don’t regret my first marriage, even though it caused terrific heartache and deep emotional damage I still struggle with, even ten years later. I don’t regret many of the jobs I’ve had, either, even though I’ve never been able to stick to one for longer than a couple of years. But I do regret one major thing, and that is letting a fear of success or commitment have an effect on many of the decisions I’ve mad, or, rather, on the ability to make decisions. I regret choosing (even unwittingly) to interpret events, things people have said, experiences I’ve had, in such a way that I became a victim of circumstance, and thus making my thinking cynical and negative.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned so far it’s that my life is really up to me. i know it. It’s probably the toughest thing to acknowledge when you think your life sucks, that it is the way it is because of how you think or the choices you’ve made. It makes you accountable. Everything is a mirror: what happens is a reflection of you. How you think, present yourself, and act determines how people react to you and how events play themselves out.

People may try, but no one can really tell me how to live my life. No one can make my choices for me. If happiness to me means finding purpose in this life and being in my element, and fulfilling that purpose every day as my occupation, then if I want to be happy I’ve got to discern the direction I need to take. Life is not shit and then you die. Happiness isn’t something that either happens to you or doesn’t. It’s something you decide to have.

Some people are happy regardless of their situation. I admire that, but it’s never been me for whatever reason. My definition of happiness is different. It’s being in control. It’s marrying what I’m passionate about with what I do every day. It’s being where my spirit feels at home. I’ve had a taste of that already: I’m happiest making others happy with things I love and know well, especially books and tea. The key is discovering how to create that my own way and make it my full-time occupation. I’m working on it.

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